When Something No Longer Serves You
It’s time to let it go
About once a month, I get into a depressive funk. I hate it when it happens. I feel despondent. I feel adrift with no purpose. I get angry and sad at the same time. My anxiety tags in and I’m double-teamed into a mental stupor. All I want to do is sleep until the double team passes.
My most recent funk happened on Sunday, August 1st, 2021. It occurred a few hours after I had posted on Medium about it being a new month and a fresh start. I truly believed in what I had written. The first day of a new month provides us all with a chance to do things that we didn’t do in the previous month. In my case, the list is long and I welcomed the opportunity to cross a few items off my list.
For some reason, I felt tense soon after posting my piece. There was a tightness in my chest, shoulders, and upper back. I had gone from knowing my purpose to feeling purposeless. I tried to shake it off, knowing that I had chores to do around the house and errands to run. But a part of me didn’t want to do them. And the heaviness I felt on my body grew worse.
A friend invited me and my family for an early afternoon at the community pool. I leapt at the chance. Everything I had previously planned was cast aside. I had promised to help my sister catalogue her doll collection in preparation for her move. While I wanted to help her, I didn’t want her to leave. A small part of me felt abandoned and helping her went against those feelings. So, it was off to the pool, leaving my responsibilities behind.
While the kids played, my girlfriend and I talked. I expressed my uneasiness and being a clever one, she immediately figured out the heart of the problem. I was tired of my husband and our so-called marriage. My friend, also married, shared her own trials and tribulations about her hubby even some things that had occurred recently that made my jaw drop. But she loves her husband and is happy that he is in her life.
I can’t say the same thing. I haven’t slept with my husband in over ten years. In fact, we don’t even share a bedroom anymore. I have found sanctuary in the living room, surrounded by my books, craft supplies, and television. I only go into the bedroom to find clothing or shoes or to give him his mail. To be truly honest, I can’t stand to be around him. I struggle to keep my rage towards him in check which contributes to my anxiety and depression.
Why am I so angry at him? That list is long as well. Let’s just say that a husband is supposed to be a partner and a supporter. But over the years, he’s become a complainer and a whiner. If I want to make extra money during the summer (I’m a teacher), if I want to travel to a conference for my writing, or if I want to go back to school, it’s always an issue. Yet, he hasn’t set foot in a classroom in nearly twenty years, can’t hold a steady job, and doesn’t have any career direction.
Meanwhile, I’ve been honing my craft as a writer and poet while recovering from breast cancer, grieving the loss of my mother, and caring for my son. I’m at the point in my life where I want so much more and I‘m not where I need to be because I married a man who has lost his potential and is holding back mine. I don’t care if it seems selfish, because I’ve been there for him through crisis after crisis. I’ve been the supportive wife and held my tongue in check for so long. Too long. But the last few years have been hellish for me on a personal and professional level. I’m on the verge of losing it completely.
Why don’t I just leave? It’s not that easy. The choices I have made me financially dependent on him. Plus, I have a son to consider. I don’t want my son to become a product of a broken marriage. But he isn’t a child anymore. He’s 18, a young adult. However, he still needs support. Maybe I should take him and just disappear? Millions of people do it every year. Not everyone who disappears has been kidnapped or killed. They simply leave their old life behind and start a new one somewhere else.
I think fear keeps me at home. A fear that he will hurt me and my son if I try to leave. My husband is scary when he gets angry. Once, he nearly burst a blood vessel when he saw our son eating bacon (he’s against pork). Every time I have stood up to him, he made moves as if he were about to hit me (he didn’t, but the moves were scary). With my mother gone, I have no one to run to. My closest living relative is my brother who lives over one hundred miles away. But he abandoned my family a long time ago.
I know I must do something. The tension in our home is like waves, ebbing and flowing. But even when it ebbs, I’m still coughing up water. I’m left shaken, an emotional wreck. This marriage no longer serves me. I know there are women out there who would tell me to stay. They’d say, at least you’re married. At least you have a child. Millions of women are single in the United States, seeking a life partner. Not wanting to be alone or lonely. That’s part of my fear as well. I don’t want to be alone. Eventually, my son will marry and start his own family. Where will that leave me? But, love has left me more hurt than happy. Maybe I’m better off without a partner?
All I know right now is that in life, there are things that will help you and things that will hurt you. Do not continue with things that hurt you. They only serve to cause you stress. Stress can lead to all kinds of mental and physical issues. Do not give your energy to something that no longer serves you. It doesn't matter if it's a career, friends, or even family. If it’s sucking the life out of you, it will eventually destroy you. Like it's destroying me. Do not become like me. Give your energies to things that make you happy. And if you have any spare energy send it to me.
