What Do I Want?
A Plan in the Process
I’m in crisis. I recognize the signs.
- I can’t concentrate.
- I sleep — a lot.
- I eat more junk food.
- I have multiple projects going at once.
- I procrastinate on important matters.
- I get in my own way.
- Repeat steps 1–6.
Have you ever felt that you’re your own worst enemy? While I can list a ton of reasons why I’m in crisis, the main reason is me. I’m letting outside forces block me from doing what I want to do.
What do I want to do? Well, if I didn’t have to worry about money, bills, and health issues, I’d write full time, publish books, travel the world, and give talks.
What am I doing now? Working as an educator, paying bills, and wondering if I’ll be homeless by the start of 2022. Oh and don’t forget, I’m still under treatment for cancer, my weight has skyrocketed, and my husband is an idiot.
I do write, but I’m not making any money. I do have a writing gig that I hope will lead to something more, but I’m afraid I’ll sabotage it and be back at square one.
I need to get out of my head — but how? My sister told me to calm down and focus. I need a plan. I can plan for everyone else, but for myself, that’s another story.
I’m great at helping everyone with their problems. But I need someone to help me with mine. I have a therapist and she’s great, but I need a life coach or a personal cheerleader. I need a drill sergeant yelling at me every f seconds to get my ass in gear and get stuff done. In short, I need someone to push me.
It needs to be a hard push, more like a shove, really. I need to be jolted back into focus. With my concentration off, I’m all over the place. The only time I can focus is when I’m writing or crocheting. I taught myself how to crochet. I’ve mastered the chain stitch! Now, I’m trying to learn how to single crochet. It ain’t for the weak!
I’m surrounded by crafts and I’m slowly trying to do something with them. I glued some fabric flowers on a sweater. I was mimicking one I had seen online. They wanted fifty dollars for the sweater. I decided to do it for way less.
Working on that project helped me to forget my troubles for a bit. Now I need more of the fabric glue and can’t find it online. I don’t know which craft shop I purchased it from. I hope to check Michaels and Hobby Lobby soon. Maybe I will find it there.
At any rate, I’m already feeling better as I type this piece. Writing always helps me to calm down. I need to get it together! I don’t want my blood pressure to go up or give myself a heart attack. Can’t accomplish anything if you’re in the hospital — or morgue.
So now, as I finish typing, I know that I want to write my cares away. I want people to enjoy my writing. I want to publish books and give talks. I want to motivate and inspire others.
The holidays are stressing me out as well. It will be the fifth Christmas without my mom. Every time I feel that my grief has gotten easier to bear, things come up that remind me that my mother is gone. Then, I get upset because I still need to pay off her headstone before the fifth anniversary of her passing.
So much on my mind. I need to get organized. Easier said than done.
