My Life is a Mess

And I’m Afraid I don’t care

My mother — dead. My sister — dying. My teaching job — gone. My income — greatly reduced. My bills need to be paid. And I feel myself sinking into a malaise. I want to care but feel less like caring with each passing day.

Of course, I’m also fighting against this feeling. My mother would want me to move on from grieving her. My sister needs my support. I am job hunting and finding other teaching opportunities. My money will increase once I build up multiple streams of income. The bills will be paid as best as I can pay them. I need to free myself from the malaise which is the hardest part right now.

The malaise feels like quicksand. Every time I try to get myself out of it, the malaise drags me deeper in. I’m trying to free myself but the struggle leaves me exhausted. I let myself sink a bit before struggling once more. But lately, the sinking goes on longer than it should and I struggle less. The malaise is winning.

I look around my home and see piles everywhere. Candy wrappers were all over the tables. Books are scattered on the floor. My artwork is a mess as is my work area. I need to clean up, but I continue to stare at the mess. I need to get it together.

I hate nesses, but over the years, especially since my mother died, I have been embracing them. I have closets I need to organize. Rooms that need to be cleaned and trash to throw away. I stopped going to Goodwill with a carload of donations. I’m behind on everything.