My Body is Not an Apology

Society’s standards do not apply to me.

Excuse me, Society. I know you’re disappointed with me. My body isn’t what you want to see.

I don’t care.

For years, since I was a teen, I tried to shape my body in Society’s image. I wanted curves, but not too curvy. I wanted a shape, but not too shapely.

Society wants women with big breasts, a small waist, a tight butt, and legs for days.

That is not my body.

Society bombarded my teen eyes with ads of beautiful women with long hair, thin bodies, surrounded by adoring men. I wanted that to be me. I tried to become those women.

I nearly killed myself.

I took diet pills, starved myself, and avoided sweets. For a teen, that was an incredible feat that lasted for about a week.

I couldn't do it. I didn’t want to.

The diet pills caused my heart to race. Hunger made me irritable. I needed my candy and chocolate.

Ironically, the stress of losing weight caused me to become sick. My body shut down. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to eat. I couldn’t eat. All I did was drink. After about a month, I lost about thirty pounds. I became a stick.

My new size lasted for a couple of years. The weight returned and then some.

As a young woman, I would walk during lunch, eat fruit and salad, and cut back on junk food. But I love food. I was in a new relationship and my boyfriend also loved food. Together, we gained even more weight.

Eventually, I got married. I had a child. I was a mom, trying to keep myself in shape to run after my son. I also wanted to ensure a long life by eating healthier. I tried. I really did.

Between teaching, motherhood, and marriage, my weight was out of control. My desire to lose weight waned. I was too stressed to focus on weight loss.

Now, my son is a college freshman. I’ve battled breast cancer. I’ve lost my mother. I’m still teaching and the job is as stressful as ever. I feel like giving up. The joy of teaching has left me. My body is a mess from chemo and other drugs. But now I’m not desperate to lose weight. I just want to be in shape. I want to look good.

So, Society, I don’t make apologies for my body. It’s been through hell. I still like sweets. but I will eat fruit and vegetables. I’ll walk, maybe even run. I will have a better mindset. But I’m not going for a size 2. I’d be happy with a size 8 or 10.

But until then, I will love the body that I’m in. All of my bulges and rolls. All the smooth and bumpy surfaces of my skin. I will love my chafing thighs. I will love my dimpled butt. I will love my jiggly belly. I will love all of it, Society.

I don’t need your love. Your love is not true love. Society, you only love what you want me to be. You don’t love me for me. So I don’t need you, Society.

I can love my own damn self with no apologies.