Grief and Hope

It has been four years since my mother passed away from complications due to ovarian cancer. When she died, I felt a part of me had died as well. I had never been without my mom. I was at a loss as to how to go on. One of my mother’s last words to me was that I would be “alight.” I didn’t believe her.

How could I be “alright” without my mother? She had always been there ever since I was a little girl. My mother was the one who would come to school meetings and events even though she didn’t own a car. It was she that made sure my brother and I had a roof over our heads, food in the refrigerator, and clean clothes. My mother often sacrificed her own needs to make sure we received what we needed.

Now, she’s gone. And although it’s been four years, the pain of losing her is like a constant ache in my heart. I feel weaker without my mom. I miss her puttering around the house, cleaning, fixing food, and helping her grandson with his school work. It is her love and support that contributed to him graduating recently from high school. As everyone clapped and cheered for my son, I knew my mother was somewhere clapping the loudest.

My mother’s voice is saved on my phone. Pictures of her adorn the mantle in our living room. I even have a picture of her in the bathroom. I greet the picture every morning and evening. I don’t want to forget what my mother looked and sounded like before she passed. I hate saying the word “died.” I believe our spirits, the essence of who we are, continues somewhere in the afterlife. If that is Heaven or the cosmos, I know my mother is watching over us.

Despite the ache in my heart, I am healing. The ache is there but isn't as intense as in years past. I still feel the pain of losing my mother, but with time has come acceptance. My mother wanted me to live, pursue my dreams, and take care of her grandson. Wallowing in a depressive stupor is not something my mom would want to see me go through.

So, I get up every day, happy to be alive. As the country comes out of its lockdown due to COVID-19, I’m coming out of my personal lockdown. Every time I see the sunshine, I’m grateful for the new day. It is another day to live, to pursue my dreams, and to help my son as he begins the next phase of his life. I want to be there for him like my mother was there for me. I want to make her proud and continue to show her that I’m alright.